Early education of children until the age of majority was built on hierarchical principle of the child required obedience, parenthood demands and honoring parents. The child was seen exclusively as “slave”. And now more and more psychologists and educators begin to look at children as equals – only younger and less experienced. And instead of “command” method of discipline parents are encouraged… friendship with a child! How to make friends with your child and what are the limits to this friendship – says the website sympaty.net.
Is it worth it to be friends with your child?
The younger the child, the stronger his attachment to his mother. Many mothers will say “I am your child’s best friend!” in a sense, this is indeed so: the kid with mom and plays and communicates, and trusts her, she for him is really a whole world!
But still, friendship on equal terms is not called: the child should be brought up, sometimes to restrict parental authority, he is dependent on his parents, besides a very large gap in life experience, intelligence, etc. between child and adult – adult inevitably deals with the child “squatting”, and the kid feels it.
But when the child grows, inevitably the following occurs: on the one hand, a “gap” in intelligence declining, he Matures and grows wiser, is much more interesting to communicate, he will understand, etc.
And on the other it moves away from parents and looking for friendship with peers, beginning to understand that friendship with the mother, like to pretend. That’s cooperative play, but mom says “Stop complaining and come March for the lessons!”; that intimate conversation about problems in the school, but the punishment received two, etc.
And who is this “friend” need that first “friendly”, and then educates, punishes, makes, teaches , etc., often using these in a fit of childish sincerity? It is logical that a child (especially a teenager) in their relationship with parents there is no equality of familiarity and sincerity is not looking!
Parents that separation is usually frightening and surprising, they begin to think about, “why is he suddenly became a vicious, and generally the words will not tell, and to talk to us doesn’t want the whole time with your buddies”, etc. And now mom and dad are starting to figure out what to do erstwhile idyll and how to make friends with your child again?
Why should parents be friends with their child?
But… before, to think, how to make friends with the child, parents need to clearly understand why do they need such a relationship with him? Helpful whether whether that friendship for the child? Because the motives of such a friendship for parents are different – including those who decide just some parent problems!
- It is easier to “keep abreast” of a child’s life. Yes. If the child trusts and tells everything to, my mom knows a lot! But… if that’s the only reason the trust of the child very quickly will disappear and friendship will not work – because he’s growing up, will see what the reaction of the parents to be forthright with the lessons or even punishment. If you still seek friendship for the sake of the sincerity of the child – try not to make listening to the voluntary children’s revelations in total control and forced “confessions”, especially not for Karai told them. Because the child, talking about their problems, will find not condemnation, but support a penalty or notation he will perceive as simply a betrayal!
- From the perspective of a friend can explain a lot of thingsthat will not be perceived by the child in the parent form notation! This is true – if you manage to really find the right tone and to avoid guidance, moralizing, etc. Because the notation, seasoned with remarks “well, I’m your friend, not bad advice, do as I say!” — all the same notation….
- “Better make friends with me – perhaps not in touch with bad company!”. Although actually even the most wonderful mom will never replace peer – its role for the child is another! The maximum that will come out of this attempt to make friends with your child – classic “Mama’s boy”.
- “I know him like nobody!”. Dear moms, the website sympaty.net I must disappoint you: if you remember how to change diapers to your baby – it does not mean that you know all the impulses of the soul of 13-15-year-old boy! And even if somehow know – not the fact that the child wants them to be so thoroughly known! In the end, indeed there are many points that mom doesn’t have to know – poems, with the dedication of a girl from a parallel class, attempt to smoke a cigarette, ended dizziness, etc.! And friendship is not an opportunity to “climb into the soul”, but only the possibility to listen to what the child himself wants to tell!
- “He will grow up and leave me in old age alone! Need to be friends with your child right now!”. Mothers sometimes do not formulate with all sincerity, the motive even to myself – because all mothers at heart longer want to hold the baby next to her, renew his children’s role and don’t let go adulthood. Yes, it’s great when dealing with older children is indeed a friendship of two adults, on an equal footing – and it happens! But you need to solve a very difficult problem – time to stop in to see the baby… the baby! Experience shows that those children who are “overdone on a short leash”, rarely are friends with parents in adulthood: respect and help, but… not friends! Because also can’t see the parent as an equal adult…
How to make friends with your child?
But still like to be friends with your child? After all, it’s great when the mom – adult friend wise, not “Cerberus”!
So think (remember!) – how to be an adult, to want to be friends? For example:
- Imperfect. How to make friends, if you yourself make mistakes, have doubts, don’t know something – a friend, a mother always has him infallible ideal? Well, how to tell a “friend” that doesn’t like you the teacher of physics, and the physics of the “dark forest”, if the answer you get: “But my physics was only five! So you’re lazy here and don’t understand anything!”?
- Indifferent. To be able to tell what is really bothering you and get advice, opinion, support, not “Stuff your love in 11 years! Better used school pulled!”.
- Not judging. It is difficult, if you want to connect with your child! But if a child says something- he does it not then that he said “good” he is or “bad” — rather, he knows how to assess his behavior in a particular case. By sharing, he is looking at parents, not judges, and support (maybe even silent!)!
- Interested in modern. No wonder they say that young mothers are easier to maintain friendships with children – precisely because of the smaller gap in age. But it is not so in the age in relation to life – if the parent is ready with the child something to get excited about, interested in, not to show backwardness and “stamp” assessments – it’s great! Want to make friends with the baby – try it together with him to pass computer game, listen to the new album some teen idol and find in it any advantages, together to paint the nail in one fashionable color, etc.
- Do not use the child’s trust. Counsel with the child and warn him about his actions, if you decide to intervene in what the child shared! Don’t go to school to talk to the teachers without telling the child if he shared his problems with academic performance; don’t tell dad-grandmother-grandfather that her daughter was completely in love with a classmate if you suspect that your family will be the week pin “Juliet” on the theme: “what about you’re the bride, eat soup, and Petrov did not like it!”, etc.
- Don’t require complete candor, not the controller. Friendship and control – General concept of opposites! To be friends with your child, you need to accept the fact that, the older it is, the less he wants to tell, but the more important fact that tells!
Friendship with your child is a very shaky construction. On the one hand, even the liberal mother can never be only a friend and that’s okay! On the other – as if you’d like to monitor, manage, inspire, edify – sometimes it’s better just to be friends!
Author – Dasha Blinova, site ToKnow365.top
How to make friends with your child and whether you need it to do?