I have been hard on this article for the website “ToKnow365.top” because of the painful memories from my childhood.
I was a student. I study in 8 class. My mother raising me and my older brother one father left us when I was very small.
Mother – the Golden woman. She is kind, she is caring, she is attentive. She works two jobs to give me and my brother – she always understands, accepts and is ready to help.
I come home happy and joyful. I go in the door. The mood is lost. There is a smell. Smell of acetone on the whole staircase. Again HE cooks up drugs. He is my brother. Brother, a drug addict. A dependent person.
The person who can influence my day and the day of my mother. No, not the day – life:
- Where did HE go?
- Who did HE go with?
- When will HE come?
- In what condition will HE come?
Now I’m a grown man, understand that the addict engages in his addiction, rather, striking his illness, all his family. We are all becoming co-dependents. Dear and beloved person affects all the relatives and loved ones.
Who are codependent?
The value of the prefix “co” in Russian means “compatibility”. We meet her in the words “harmony”, “national”, “employee”. That is, in those words, which means the line of contact.
Addiction and codependency. The concepts are very close. Co-dependents are those whose family is dependent on alcohol, drugs people.
Who is affected by this condition?
- Most wives, at least – men who have family relations with the dependent person;
- Brothers and sisters dependent;
- Parents whose children are dependent;
- Children whose mother or father abuse alcohol or are addicted to drugs;
- Families where there is poverty and lack of money;
- By the way, conditionally co-dependent, you can also call those relatives who have in the hands of a sick relative is an invalid, requiring constant care and supervision.
But in this article we focus more on the “classical co-dependent”, i.e. those who have a family has a drug addict or alcoholic, a disease that affects the status of all relatives.
The diagnosis of “codependency”: symptoms
Therapists believe codependency a pathological condition characterized by its symptoms rather properties.
V. D. Moskalenko, a psychiatrist, in his book “Codependency: a family disease” and “When love too much”, and lectures trying to convey to readers and listeners that you need to help not only themselves addicted, but the families who live near the sick addicted person is codependent. Effective treatment codependent, its behavior depends on the treatment of the dependent person.
That’s what working definition of “codependency” used by psychologists in their practice:
- R. Norwood (“Women who love too much”) codependent people call “slaves of love”. They love so much that all their attention is focused on the problems of the addict. They forget about themselves and switch to fully dependent. Love for them suffering, obsession, addiction.
- For V. D. Moskalenko the ability to love from codependent quietly develops into another skill, to spare and to focus not on himself but on the problems of another person. “Man is not in focus”, — says Moskalenko. This complicates his life, and the lives of his family members. Moreover, people do not satisfy their vital needs. He is full of anxieties. When the husband drunk, the wife could not sleep all night, eat all day, have health problems. That is, the codependent forgets about himself. He lives the life of an addict trying to save him.
- To abandon oneself, to manage other people, to educate this person and try to change the dependent – here the basic symptoms of those who are sick with codependency. It is the opinion of N. Zaitsev.
- Codependency is chelovekovedenija. In every possible way indulging the antics of dependent and supporting them, we flatter and thus destroy the patient by giving ground for the development of his illness and not helping him.
Why co-dependents suffer?
Codependent people experience a constant feeling of fear and anxiety, despair, hatred and anger, resentment, escalating in aggression, both verbal and physical.
But the worst, as proved by psychologists that the more a person lives with a dependent, the greater becomes the sense of tolerance of emotional pain.
Is there no such families where the husband beats the wife, and she returned to him and re-allow such behavior? Why she suffers? But because it increased the tolerance of emotional pain over the years that she lived with an alcoholic – it will take all. She has a tolerance. After all, from the codependent understands that this is a normal relationship, but nothing changes.
When the pain is already unbearable, there comes a kind of anesthesia. Codependent people becomes still, what happens to the dependent. This kind of defensive reaction to the pain.
I knew a mom who felt sorry for the brother, tried to understand him and to reason with when he was “normal”. She was a lifeguard and the man who will always understand, protect and take. She’s a mother! Codependency from the alcoholic and addict are very strong.
As the thoughts of a codependent?
“He’s good when not pricked. Around the house doing everything. Loves children. A completely different person,” and we talked with a brother. We were co-dependent and always tried to justify his actions. We loved some ugly love and tried to save it, but did it wrong.
After all to treat an addict is very difficult – without the help of an experienced psychologist can not do exactly the.
The role of the codependent
Psychologists have identified a number of behavioral roles played by codependent people.
The role of the rescuer
Usually this role is played by relatives at the initial stage of the disease. When his son (my husband) seems the same, but the eyes run. We see that something is happening but fear to accept and believe what happened. We are trying to deceive himself (“He doesn’t drink every day!”).
Thinking and addict and the codependent person changed.
What do codependent people, seeing how the loved person kills himself? They are trying to save him. They care, watch over and nurse …adult! They don’t give him the right to commit a mistake for which he must pay. They give the appearance of a happy family, in which all is well.
- “What will the neighbours say that they saw him drunk on the landing?”
- “How will watch the children of friends learn that their dad drinks?”
- “What if I lose my job?”
And pulled poor women drunk guy home, just no one saw. SAVE. In every way, thereby creating ideal conditions for dependent.
The next day it is bad. The wife runs to the store and buys a “medicinal drug”. And so it is repeated from day to day, from year to year. Is not it clear that such swarnalatha – ineffective? Codependent people create the conditions that addicts continued to drink. We are afraid to lose “visibility” of normal families, destroying it. This feature of thinking is codependent, which is referred to as the mythological they are waiting for a miracle, when the day will come and it will be different. But they won’t. It should be treated.
The role of the pursuer
The role of the Savior can grow into the role of the Stalker. “Codependent Stalker chick” consider themselves all-knowing, correct and uncompromising. They know what to do:
- Shouting and scolding a drunk – sawing dependent;
- Lecturing and lecture;
- Educate and accused;
- Find it and pour it down the sink alcohol;
- Not allowed to leave the house;
- Watching where and with whom went;
- Pick up from friends that are “bad for him”;
- Choose with whom to be friends and with whom to go;
- Hide the money.
What dependent? And though his forehead, though his forehead. He drinks more and gets drunk even more, finds a way to escape unnoticed from the house and drink all the money. He just ignores the “pursuer”. It turns out that this tactic is ineffective?
The role of the victim
As he says in his lectures, Valentina Moskalenko, co-dependents in the victim role, you can learn for the phrase: “if he …(drink, inject)”.
This conditional preposition “if” suggests that the man entered the victim role. This stage suggests that the man was desperate, and he accepted the situation, and not being able to help the dependent family member. He remained co-dependent.
Certain time periods of stay codependent person in a particular role there. It can be in one role a few minutes or a few days, years. Codependent may move from one role to another. It’s like different stages of the disease.
Is it possible to overcome codependency?
To overcome codependency and to be more specific — to get out of the role of rescuers, persecutors and victims is very difficult. There are no specific recommendations on how to overcome codependency – each situation should be taken its decision.
Today developed special programs (e.g., “12 steps codependency”), which gives advice on how to get rid of codependency and help yourself to understand yourself. But in most cases, to cope with co-dependency without professional assistance very difficult.
Women’s website “ToKnow365.top” advises to pay attention to the books that will help you find answers to many questions people who are surrounded by addicts and co-dependents feel:
- S. N. Birds “Codependency – the ability to love”;
- Robin Norwood “Women who love too much”;
- Weinhold “Liberation from codependency”
Codependency is treatable, so it is recommended to not only study literature, but also to consult a psychologist, to listen to lectures Valentina Novikova on codependency or Valentina Moskalenko, “Codependency: a family disease”. Not to get rid of this condition, and in order to understand themselves, to understand and accept their problem.
I also seemed that “if the brother is not injected, I would be most happy.”
My mother is a vivid example of the codependent person. She remained in the role of Savior for his son, and still, unlike me, adult daughter, believes that tomorrow will be a miracle, and he would be different…She’s just so comfortable.
The author – Julia Spiridonova, site ToKnow365.top
Liberation from codependency: how and is it possible