Would you like to make your sex life bring you only joy and satisfaction? But who doesn’t want that — you might say. Meanwhile, according to sociologists, more than half of the adult population sex brings more problems than fun. And although everyone has their own sexual problems, the source of most of them one — the inability of the spouses to openly and confidentially communicate on the subject of sexual relations. Here is the stumbling block, and discuss today on sympaty.net.
Sex is for all of us so intimate a matterthat we are not ready to discuss this topic even with those with whom they directly deal. As a result, the sex becomes for many a source of problems, which easily could have been avoided if the couple could openly discuss their sexual relations.
But such candor is quite rare, and therefore this topic deserves close attention and extensive research.
Of course, the format does not allows to do it in detail, so we restrict the wording only basic provisions.
“Intimate” is a taboo
So, how else called a sexual relationship? Intimate relationships.
What does the term “intimate”? It means something deeply personal that don’t speak with outsiders.
We can say that the spouse is not a stranger and can discuss this topic, especially if IT do with him.
But this reasoning of our consciousness, whereas the perception of sex as intimate Affairs embedded in the subconscious. Us since the childhood brought up — well, not to speak on this
It’s like a taboo among primitive tribes. The ban in the subconscious, which cannot control.
Therefore, if you used to consider sexuality something intimate, then by inertia it related to the theme will be saved, you and in marriage. So you should seriously ponder, and whether sex is considered intimate area, or at least to what extent sex should be intimate. Not necessarily strangers to tell him the details of his sex life, but you need to be able to talk with other people about sexual relations at all.
“What will he think?”
But in addition to traditional attitude to sex as the intimate sphere to the free discussion of this topic between spouses interfere with different fears. One of those fears associated with the fear to deviate from any rules in sex.
You know what the subject of the science of sexual pathology? Probably everyone is aware that the term “pathology” means a deviation from some norm. And the very name of this science lays in us the belief that sex can be right and can be wrong, maybe normal or not normal.
And what could be worse than the accusation of abnormality?
If there was a common, approved somewhere above norms of the right sex that one could print out and hang over the bed to check his actions. And in fact, no one had thought to make such a list, so each person makes it for themselves.
And while none of us are sure that the partner will not find in this list something abnormal or ridiculous. And mockery, by the way, in such a case even worse than the charges of abnormality.
That’s why we are protecting this area against all possible attacks. Strangers and so it does not encroach, and that the person with whom you have an intimate relationship, has
the possibility to touch some sensitive strings.
But the attempt at intimacy and it can hurt. Therefore, to protect yourself from this pain, we are not talking with a partner about some details of our sexual relationship, which is very important for us.
On the other hand, we still are not sure that partner will be able to properly understand us and go forward.
We fear that the reaction partner can be negative and further complicate the relationship, and therefore prefer to remain silent even if something does not suit us.
Is it possible not to be afraid of infidelity?
Another type of fear which does not allow us to be completely honest with your partner is the fear of betrayal.
That only is one this term! For treason in all countries and at all times relied punishment. And since we call sex outside of marriage is cheating, then consider it the most serious crime in the marital relationship.
Meanwhile, sex within marriage loses its sharpness, and the thrill is so eager… And so often tempted to add variety with a new partner.
But for your second half-such an attempt would blow below the belt, betrayal, which he may not be able to forgive ever.
Cheating is the abyss into which no one would like to please. More precisely, nobody would like to deal with the infidelity of your partner. But for yourself, a loved one, you can always find excuses.
So, we know that our partner does not want to think about the possibility of infidelity on our part. So we try not to give reason – that is, not talking with him about what can somehow bring this topic.
To have a partner not any legitimate questions — and you know where it is, and whether it is connected with some experience in the past or in the present with someone else?
This is especially true of people pathologically jealous.
Or take the topic of sexual fantasies. Because they tend to have a different partner, and then some. And how can the husband to accept such fantasies? Isn’t it better these fantasies to keep to yourself, and for your own peace of mind not to wonder about his sexual fantasies?
It turns out from all sides that it is safest not to talk with your partner about any of the details of sexual relations.
And at the initial stage a special need in the discussion of sexual relations does not arise. This necessity appears only later, in marriage, the sexual problems that need to be solved somehow. But how can they be addressed when we have not learned to speak freely on this subject?
This problem in communication is noted by many sexologists, and therefore, I urge spouses to a Frank discussion of their sexual relationship.
But the source of the problem lies deep in the subconscious. If a man experiences fear, by persuasion, he will not be able to get rid of this fear.
What should I do?
- First, you need at the level of consciousness to understand what hinders your communication with a partner (including those fears mentioned above).
- Second, we need to realize that this fear is not only you but also your partner. If your partner is not going to straight talk, then he is afraid of something – for example, your response to his frankness. Maybe he has reasons for this? Maybe you even once gave him a reason to think so? Can you say with confidence that your partner might tell you everything and for him it will be nothing? Even if he admits that
during sex with you is in your place is your best friend?
- Thirdly, candid communication with your partner you need to learnjust as we learn to play a musical instrument or drive a car.
In conclusion, one example for illustration.
Met two friends, and one starts to complain that she and her husband have sex on the verge of freezing. A friend advised to make some diversity in sexual life, buy something in a sex shop. The first says: “what do you mean, my husband was so conservative, he’d kill me if I do anything like that.”
But nonetheless, begins to think in that direction.
Comes from work and starts to complain to her husband on pain in the neck, the next day, same thing. After a while says to her husband: “I bought the pharmacy massager, but I do not understand how it works. Could you explain to me?” And hands husband vibrator.
The husband looked at the “massager” and laughed: “Massager, well, you give! Do you know what it is?” Wife does round uncomprehending eyes, and the husband begins to demonstrate its awareness. That ends with a practical application of the “massager” to the mutual satisfaction.
Well, what could be, if the woman openly offered my husband to buy a vibrator, or she would buy it, but without any of the conspiracy? It is possible that the reaction of the husband might be quite different.
Perhaps eventually there will be special schools or courses that will be taught to communicate on the subject of sexual relations. It is the lack of skills such communication and prevents us from building harmonious sexual relationships.
If you master the art of such communication, we get a universal solution for all sexual problems.
Author – Michael Dubovsky, site ToKnow365.top
Why are we not talking with loved ones about sex?